Nights Like These
by LetGoLetOpenDoorsOfPurgatory
Summary: Castiel can't sleep.


Nights Like These

It hadn't even been that long since Metatron had slit open his throat and removed his Grace. It hadn't been so long ago Castiel plummeted to earth as a new being. In fact, Castiel was more than sure it had only been two weeks. Which kind of made him uneasy when he put it into context. The weight of two weeks against his now mortal life was actually quite close to unbearable for him mentally. He didn't have forever now. Injuries that he would usually not bat an eyelash at stung and hurt. His stomach would get this irritating gnawing pain if he went too long without consuming something to eat, his mouth would get unbearably dry and weird tasting if he didn't drink anything, he'd become smelly if he didn't wash off in some form or clean up, and there was just a whole lot of things about being human that sucked. And by sucked, he meant he really detested it. In fact, there was a part of Castiel somewhere deep down that felt he'd be better off dead. Though, among all of those things there wasn't one he hated more than trying to sleep.

Nightmares haunted him every time he put his head to rest. Cas really didn't have anywhere to sleep. His pillows ranged from the cold hard ground, to cardboard, to even garbage bags in dark, damp alleys. Every time he closed his eyes shadowed wings and flashes of Grace would flash against his eyelids and he'd wake up in a cold sweat. Something he hadn't exactly understood but he supposed it accompanied the impending feeling on his chest. He'd feel a thudding against his ribcage and he could hear it pounding loudly in his ears. It always took him awhile to collect himself and regulate his breathing. On his worst nights it could last up to an hour and after that he couldn't get back to sleep. He'd wander for hours on end - lost.

He wanted to go back to the Winchesters. Oh, man, what he'd give to be back with those two boys again. But he couldn't go back. Not now. Despite the things Dean had said Castiel refused. He had brought enough misfortune onto their shoulders. It was time for Castiel to actually do his penance for once. It was time for him to stop caving into feeling and try to lead everyone away from his second family. Well, his only family at this point. The angels surely weren't going to take him back and Cas wasn't sure on how he felt on that. Of course he had some mourning but on some levels he felt relief - relief in the fact he couldn't be sent back beyond those gates and expected to live the life he had been living for so many millenia. It had been do or die and Castiel had always done. That was of course until he had been reset so many times he couldn't remember things that others could.

Some of those things had been so twisted that Castiel's stomach still churned when he thought about it. Especially the slaughtering of innocent children in Egypt. For what grounds did they have to punish the children when they were not the ones making the trespasses against their Father? Castiel hadn't understood and he knew he never would because in his mind there hadn't been a thing to understand. Except for the fact Heaven was too trigger happy. There was so much about his home he knew he'd never wrap his head around and the more he thought about that on his sleepless nights - the more at peace he was becoming. Despite all of the damage he had done. Even if Cas didn't want to return at this point he knew what he was going to do. He was going to devote his life to trying to get his siblings back into Heaven. Even if he hated how things had happened and how things had been controlled - he owed them this.

He owed them their home. Because he had destroyed it and killed so many others. He owed them a lot. He just had to hope that in the process they didn't kill him. And he wasn't sure he wouldn't mind that either. Especially with his lack of sleep. It made him feel like crap. In fact, it made him feel so sluggish that he hardly wanted to do anything. His body was running on some faith and a little prayer and it wasn't a feeling Castiel had been used to. Grace used to power him. Now he relied on his faith.

It was just like any other night for him as he settled down in the corner of the alley he had been taking refuge in lately. His stomach was growing, his feet ached, and his mouth had that strange taste in it again. His bedding area smelled of weeks old garbage, stray cat and dog urine, and something he was unsure of. (And honestly, he was pretty sure he didn't want to know.) Cas tugged his various layers of clothing tighter to his body as the fall air began to try and sneak its tendrils beneath his clothes and chill him. Folding his arms tightly over his chest his blue eyes flickered shut as he leaned his head against the grimy brick wall of the alley. One last shiver and the new mortal drifted off into sleep.

_"Cas." The voice was somewhat calm._

_"Castiel!" A new made itself present and it sounded frantic._

_"Cas!" The first voice was now panicking._

_Everything was a blur and Castiel could hardly tell left from right. Everything was focally zoomed in and he could hear his heart pounding viciously in his ears._

_"Dean? Sam? I'm coming!" Castiel called out. His feet carried him toward the loud noises of distress. He had to find the brothers. The ex-angel entered a clearing to see Dean trying to hold up Sam, but he didn't look like he was any better condition that Sam. They were both covered in blood and bruises and Sam was gasping for air._

_"Dean!" Castiel yelled, running toward him. His hand laid on both of the Winchester's shoulders, eyes shutting tight. Nothing. Suddenly he felt something shoving him away. His eyes opened to find Dean on his knees, arms around his stomach as Sam laid on the ground beside him - dead as ever._

_"This. This- - is your fault." Dean accused. Castiel's body went rigid. "Just - stay away. You're no good. None of you angels were." A choked noise filled the air and blood spattered across Cas' shoes as Dean collapsed over beside Sam, just as still as he._

"Sam! Dean!" Castiel jolted awake, heart racing. Both of his hands covered his ears as he tilted his head down, bringing his knees up toward his chest as he tucked his face between both knees.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry." He chanted to himself. "I'll fix this I swear I will. I'll fix everything I - I swear it."

Castiel managed to calm himself enough to rise to his feet. He wasn't getting any sleep tonight. He had a mission to take care of and it was to protect his brothers. His adopted brothers - the ones who genuinely cared for him. His eyes flickered down the alley way as he took in his surroundings. It was nights like these Castiel wondered he was even still alive. Because he'd take death over this any day.


End file.
